The One Meeting Your Relationship Can't Live Without
Casie and Leif couldn’t understand why they were fighting almost daily. They both agreed they loved one another. They both were skilled and high functioning human beings at their jobs. They both wanted the same outcome, to be heard and to be loved. Yet, daily little, middle and big conflicts were dominating their life. From disagreements over what they were going to eat for dinner and who was in charge of cooking, to forgetting meetings that “I know I told you about this”. To bigger fights about the unpaid water bill notice and not feeling supported when either one of them came home with work stress and just needed to vent.
These little, middle and big conflicts add up over the course of a week for a couple and shred the love one small cut at a time.
“Sometimes it is not the big conflicts that tear us apart, but death by 100 small cuts.”
What is clear for Casie and Leif is the interweaving of conflict, small misunderstandings, forgetfulness and lack of turning towards one another on a regular basis. This is true for most of the couples I work with and for my own partnership as well. If we do not have regular and weekly check-ins, temperature takes, and assess what is going on with one another and ourselves, we feel a build up of resentment, unmet needs and the feeling that we are in this alone.
The Meeting
Most of the couples I work with are in the red zone or yellow zone of their relationships. They have either tolerated a level of resentment for a period of time and have reached a breaking point in their relationship or they have moved out of the comfort of in love and sublimeness, into a growing feeling that something is just not right.
One of the first places we begin our work together is THE MEETING. It is designed to repair emotional disruptions that have taken place, organize the business end of the relationship (calendars, household chores, tasks, dinner, bills, etc), and to feel a sense of connection and teamwork. Many of my couples are flying by the seat of their pants, running from one meeting to kids’ activities, to family obligations, to another errand. We are living in a culture of really overextended people, filled calendars, and topped out, maxed out relationships. We have hit overcapacity and under resourced. THE MEETING is meant to not cure every problem, but to raise your odds as a couple to be successful.
Here are the logistics:
Set aside one hour each week. For most couples I recommend that it is the same time every week. For me and my husband, when the kids were little, it was Sunday at 6pm. EVERY SUNDAY. We would pour a glass of wine, the weekend was winding down, and we could look over the upcoming week together and start the week with fresh minds (fingers crossed!). A lot of my couples look at me and say, “when? we don’t have the time!”. I respond with a math problem: total up the number of hours spent fighting, debating, persuading one another about who is right, gathering evidence to be right, and then add that to the following: mindless social media scrolling to calm your nervous system because your relationship strife + gathering allies to hear your side + your own time spent on a walk or in your car going over all the reasons you are more right = the time you are looking for. My point is, you can’t afford not to do THE MEETING, it is an investment of your time and energy in the right direction.
Set the agenda. I am going to suggest my recommended agenda, but please revise it to include what matters to you. Here is what I give to my clients:
*Begin with what has been going well for you, your relationship, the family unit
*What has been more challenging, stressful, or a struggle
*What you want support around, a repair around or a conversation about
Each of you take a turn with the above. This part can last as short as 10-15 minutes or may take up to a half hour. If a repair is needed, use this AFTERMATH tool and you may even need to set aside another time to come back together to do the repair when you feel ready. Repairs are invites, not demands, and your partner may be caught off guard/defensive even, that a repair is even needed.
Next….this can be a chance to go over the business end of the relationship: who needs what and when this week, the calendar, the bills to pay, help getting an errand done, reminders. You both have your calendars out, your bank accounts available, to get through the business end of the relationship. What always amazes me is how often we don’t see our long term relationships, marriages, etc as a business. You would never run a company without some kind of admin meetings, strategic planning and goals, and accountability, yet, our relationships need these kinds of mindset shifts to run them right!
Next…this time can be an opportunity for learning a new tool together, discussing a relationship skill, bringing in homework or training around your relationship. A book you both read or listen to a chapter a week and now set this time to talk about. A workshop you both attended together or online learning about your partnership. A podcast you both agreed to listen to this week. An instagram post you shared earlier with one another that you now want to discuss. Again, businesses don’t run without trainings, CEUs, ongoing learning. Relationships do not either. They take commitment and time just like on the job. If your boss handed you a project that was over your head, you would hunker down and learn how to do it to keep your job. This is the same in relationships.
Ending…wrap up your time together with an appreciation loop. Here is how you do it: “I appreciate you for…..” The listener then reflects back what they heard you say, and then, “I appreciate you for…” This happens with three appreciations for each person. Examples of appreciations: running the kids to practice, kissing me goodbye, showing me support when I was stressed about work, bringing me coffee on Saturday morning, loving me, forgiving me.
Make sure your next meeting is on the calendar for the coming week. And, if there is a next chapter, podcast, or learning, commit to doing that next step together.
“Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.”
Our relationships, when done well, will support you and ground you. They will be the lighthouse in the storm, your shelter. Relationships can be the launching point to do the good you want to do in the world. By taking care of them and living with intention, you will have the relationship longevity that sustains us over time. THE MEETING is just one skill out of many that are integral to couples that I know are doing their best in life.
Authentically yours,
Christie Bemis
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE
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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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