Aftermath: Repair Post-Conflict for Couples
The aftermath of a fight can be one of the most vulnerable times in a relationship.
And, it can be one of the most powerful opportunities for growth. It is often overlooked or not used well. Learning how to repair and reap the opportunities available for you and your partner is an invaluable tool.
So often couples fight and then sweep it under the rug because they do not know what else to do, they don’t want to reengage in the conflict and possibly go back into fight mode and they just want to move forward.
The missed opportunity with this is learning what might have gone wrong, what might have been handled as well as possible and what can be some new skills in order to avoid a disruptive blow out again.
Conflict in any healthy relationship is inevitable. It can lead to a higher level of understanding one another. It can lead to change. It can actually even lead to feeling closer to one another. It is all in how we manage the conflict. See my blog on fighting fair for more ideas.
If there was a crisis or a rupture in the relationship due to the fight and how it might have been handled, this blog will cover the goals of a post-fight repair. The goals are: understanding something deeper about yourself, understanding something new or deeper about your partner, healing wounds that may have been there from long ago and past relationships, and learning how to move forward in better ways. It is not necessarily a goal of repair to resolve the issue or the details that lead to the fight in the first place, but more about how to fight better regardless of what it is we are fighting about. And, to learn new coping skills to manage distressing feelings and experiences.
Asking yourself the following questions post-fight might be useful:
what was triggered for me?
Is there anything in my past or present stress level that may have added to my current level of distress?
Was I at capacity or fully resourced for the fight at the time?
Asking yourself the following questions about your partner is useful:
What are their triggers that I may have unintentionally stepped on?
How can we best support our partner?
How can we heal with our partner and not rewound them?
We also need to recognize when we have fallen into one of the relationship pitfalls to communication, often our adaptive skills we learned growing up and still try to use today in relationships under stress:
Blaming
Appeasing
Martyring
Threatening
Debating
Shaming
Silence or the Silent Treatment
Shaming
Interrogating
Focusing on the logics of the situation and not the relational aspects (fact vs feelings)
All of these may have been used as we grew up and survived difficult relationships or when we did not get our needs met, but they do little to gain relationship intimacy and depth and keep our partners out, versus drawing them in.
So, what are the steps to take in partnership when there has been a rupture in the relationship? It starts with understanding and acknowledging that this is tough, that we are in an emotional conversation or a triggered place of communication. This helps you and your partner decide if you can move forward with the stamina that is needed or if you need time before making a repair. It is perfectly acceptable to not resolve hurt feelings right away and to get the support or resources you need to move forward with a conversation.
Decide who is going to speak to their perspective and feelings first. One person is the listener and one is the talker. This is not a time to correct your partner’s version or debate the facts, but to hear. The speaker’s part in this is that it is not an open forum to emotionally and verbally vomit or beat up your partner, but a chance to speak your perspective and your feelings.
The listener asks clarifying questions, reflects back to the person talking what they are hearing. Listening is active.
Then, the listener does a good job with acknowledging their role in the miscommunication, copping to what might be their part in the fight. This has a profound impact on the person speaking because it is taking a personal role in the whole conversation and begins leading the path towards repair.
Reassure your partner what you can do in the future. This is not false reassurance to appease your partner, but very clear and meaningful reassurance on what part you can change or work on changing.
When complete switch roles. And, use all the tools for fight fair as needed.
When we can take the time to have a repair conversation, we are telling our partner, you are important to me. And, we are holding ourselves to a high level of communication standards and personal integrity.
You are adulting. Having meaningful communication with one another that will lead you to a greater sense of pride and accomplishment. You can listen to a more in depth blog here on this topic.
AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE
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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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