The Neglect of Your Erotic Life

Neglecting your erotic life as a couple can be so common.

Maybe it stems from boredom. Or, stress gets in the way. Or, kids create less then ideal situations. Maybe there is just no newness, no fun, no playfulness. Maybe you and your partner are in what feels like constant conflict.

Neglect can lead to relationship distancing, dis-satisfaction, and lack of hope/care/concern.

What our erotic life gives us is a connection to feeling alive.

Do you have any of the following?

  • Putting kids first

  • Not making time for the erotic, fun or play

  • Not finding a way to balance work and life

  • Putting sex in a compartment, only thinking about it when you are having it

  • Not being sexually curious

  • Performing sex when you do have sex, versus Having Sex

  • Not putting effort or prioritizing it

  • Creating obstacles around it

  • Putting transactional conditions on it, “when you ___, then I will ____”

  • Closing yourself off to sex

  • Being unapproachable through your reaction to touch, any touch, or your anger and armor

  • Being harsh to your partner outside of sexy time

  • Not having open dialogues around sex.

  • Rejecting your partner’s advances

All of these are signs of Erotic Neglect. When our erotic life is flourishing, it can create more easeful-ness around sex. Sex may come more naturally or organically. Or, it may take work and effort to make it flourish; but, both of you are willing to do the work and make it a priority. You both are cultivating an erotic ready field, rich for sex, outside of the time you are having sex, through your actions and reactions, through your touch and loving gestures, through your prioritizing of your partner and appreciations. You are open to being touched, receiving and giving affection and attention. This is the landscape that makes intimacy grow.

A checklist for an Erotic Life:

  • Curiosity in what you want and what your partner wants

  • Openness to communicate in loving ways

  • Making time for “Sexy Time”

  • Having a word or a phrase like “sexy time” for when you want to be intimate

  • Scheduling sex into your weekly life

  • Touching one another outside of sexy time and not having it go to anywhere else

  • Having sex and getting out of performing sex

  • Taking care of your level of stress

The opposite of Eros is Thanatos, or death. When the erotic life gets neglected, our lives are sucked dry of the aliveness. And, the erotic does not just live in new relationships or is there for our youth. It is there for all of our stages of life and phases of our relationships. And, it deserves our attention to keep it alive and make it grow.

AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS

Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin.  She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist.  Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information.  Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE

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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity


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Christie Gause-Bemis