Resources to Make Your New Year's Resolutions Last
Three weeks. The average a person’s New Year’s Resolutions last.
Then, it is back to the same patterns and habits.
The changing of the calendar can be a wonderful time to take inventory of the past year and make the changes that are needed to live the life you desire. What is the most important thing is having the support and resources to make those goals happen and reducing or ridding yourself of the barriers that stand in your way.
Why do people fail at their resolutions?
They usually fail because they move from thinking about a change to acting on a change. They miss a very important step, preparing for the desired change.
Allison wanted to spice up her relationship in the New Year, so she went to the store and bought all the things…toys, outfits, games to play…and began to dump them into her relationship with her partner. Three weeks later, the toys, outfits and games, sat in a drawer, unused and their intimacy went right back to the old routines.
Change follows a continuum, somewhat linear with room to spiral back. Denial, contemplating, preparation, action and then maintaining change. The Transtheoretical Model of change.
When we are in denial, we are unaware that any change in ourselves needs to take place. When we move into contemplation, we are aware. Not only are we aware that change is needed, we are aware of our own potential role in that change. In denial, if the other person would change, we would be fine. In contemplation, we become more aware that we are part of the problem, if not the source of the problem completely. In contemplation there is discomfort in some form: pain, boredom, loneliness, frustration, jealousy, anger, unappreciated, unhealthy, or even sick. It is this very discomfort that pushes us out of denial and into the growing awareness that change is needed. So, we make a goal.
Pain pushes until vision pulls.
The problem starts there, making a goal. There is a big difference between making a goal and setting an intention. Intention setting is the whole target in a game of archery, the bull’s eye and the circles around it. Goals are the bulls eye. You either hit it or you fail.
“I’m going to spice up my sex life” becomes, “we are going to have undeniably great, explosive, amazing sex once a week.” ~ Goals are often doomed for failure because they do not take into account the unpredictable nature that life has. And, then how do you bounce back from the black and white, all or nothing nature of a failed week. One where the cat was coughing up hairballs, the deadlines at work were shouting at you and your partner had the flu.
Intention Setting is your first step in the right direction.
It implies that you are aiming for, putting your best effort in when you can and open to any outcome that falls near to the target. It is the most likely way to succeed.
“I want to be healthier and moving my body is one way, I need to move my body in some way everyday.” vs, “I am going to the gym four times a week.” What if you make it only two times? Are you a total failure? And, moving your body can include the gym, impromptu 8pm dance parties to get your movement in, sex, and early morning stretches and walks around the neighborhood. All of which sound like a lot of fun. Think of goals as the potential bulls eye, the rest of it is aiming in the general directions and are often good enough.
Picking a Word for Your Year
This is something I do every year. From peace, to authenticity, to power, to, this year’s word…Completion. What happens when you pick a word, is it can be a guiding prop into your decision making ability. My word completion means to finish the various pieces of many projects and creative endeavors and putting a bow on them. From the Wisdom Card Companion Book and Guide I am writing, to a Novel that has been in the back of my mind to edit and be done with it for years, to the trim in my upstairs hall. My life is filled with incomplete projects of various kinds. It is the ukulele collecting dust, the unused app for speaking Spanish, the attempts, the falling shorts, the piles of incomplete projects. What my word allows is focus for me. What your word allows is focus for you. Say yes to the things that bring you closer to living that word and no to the things that drive you further from it.
Create That Vision Board
Yes, they are a tool for focus. There is a process though. Step #1, curate images through a stack of magazines and other sources, do not edit yourself. Whatever images jump out at you that make you feel drawn to them for the upcoming year. Step #2, begin to place them on the cardboard backing 11” x 20” or larger. Do not glue them down, just play with the layout. And, begin editing, do I really desire to have this in my life for the next year? What will this bring me? Step #3, begin the layout with glue, placing and layering what you desire most. Step #4, after drying, begin adding phrases and words or outlines to the images. Step #5, place in a location you will see it most every day. Step #6, assess monthly how you are living up to your vision and at the end of the year, I journal on the back of mine reflections of the year, celebrations, disappointments and reviews. The vision board becomes an active part of my resolution process.
Vision Boards over the years
They become an active part of intention setting and living the life you desire
Do Not Ignore the Power of Preparation Phase
Remember when I said the number one reason we fail? We don’t prepare enough by gathering our resources and support.
Hire a coach. You might not need a therapist, but a coach can be supportive to help you see your blind spots, to encourage you to think outside of the box, to offer you supports and reduce your barriers. Coaching has been an area of growth for me as a psychotherapist. I have worked with them all through my own career whether it is a business coach, a sex coach or relationship expert, or an organizational coach, they each have been an integral investment for my success.
Join a group. It is one of the reasons behind why I created a membership circle this year and also the success of my Women’s Talking Circles. Accountability and support through a group can support you feeling connected and part of a community.
Use a model to guide you. A model is a way of organizing your thoughts around an area of your life. My Ignite Your Life Wellness Model © is guide around the areas of life I find most important: Physical, Social, Emotional, Health, Body, Intelligence, Creative Expression, Spirituality and Sexuality, What this model does is provide for a means to assess each area of your life and provide a guide for areas to improve. Models are ways to take a conceptualized theory and put it into a digestible context. My SPARCS© model for couples does the same thing if relationship growth is an area you are desiring change. Safety, Play and Pleasure, Attunement, Realized Dreams, Communication Suite of Skills and Sex are all areas to assess in your relationship. I also use Caffyn Jess’s work on her Sexual Wholeness Model if you are desiring something different for you sexual life this next year. And, it is something I will be introducing to women in my Women’s Talking Circles. Models are important tools to help you create the life you desire now.
Hanging out longer in preparation will increase your likelihood of achieving your intentions this year.
Listen to my recent blogtalk radio program, Ignite Your Life Class, on this topic to take inventory of last year and dream into what is possible for you in 2023.
AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE
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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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