N + O = NO...boundaries and assertiveness

For women who do too much and have too much on their plates. This one is for you. And, me.

Recently, I have had to say a bunch of no’s. I have always been that dependable person who follows through on meetings, commitments and agreements to a T. Often, this is done at an intense disregard to me and my own limits. I push and rush and get to the appointments on time or even early. I stay up late completing an obligation, or run to the store to get the last minute ingredients to the treat I forgot I was going to bring. That has been me.

In this past week alone, I have had to say an astounding number of NOs. It started Monday after my trip to LA and a plate full of meetings from 9am to 11am, to rush to another one at 11am, to an afternoon of things to get done. I woke up and no part of me wanted to get out of my pajamas and into real clothes for the real world. I permission-ed myself to say no. Even though the Monday two hour meeting was made many weeks ago and was with my colleagues from the collective I work in, it just felt like I would show up out of breath and not honoring how I was really feeling.

Here is what I know, when I do something purely out of a sense of commitment and obligation, I grow my resentment and I lose my patience much faster then I normally do. It is not a fun place for me to be in and it does not make me a great person to be around. And, this is true for most of the women I know.

It is such a simple word, NO, yet, so hard to formulate.

What NO does for YOU:

  • Frees up space to just be or to do something you value instead of something you do not value

  • It removes obligation

  • It creates boundaries which are not fences for people to stay out of, but are roadmaps for how exactly to get in.

  • As a power word, it contains self-advocacy to get what you want or what you need and builds a roadmap for self-care, so others are clear in how to care for you.

  • It preserves intimacy by creating less resentment and less obligations, allowing you to remain in good connections with others. It places importance and priorities at the top and things that matter least to you elsewhere or not at all.

Knowing when to say no:

When you feel rushed, less then enthusiastic, obligated, resentful, unappreciated, bad about yourself or shame…Say NO. Our feelings can be amazing indicators for what you desire and do not desire.

Ways to say NO. Sometimes it helps to practice before the real deal. Here is a list of ways to say NO beyond just the word itself.

  • I have to say no at this time.

  • I know I cannot, but have some ideas of who you could reach out to.

  • No, it is not in my zone of desires right now.

  • No, I really have to prioritize my self-care.

  • No, for me, thanks.

  • No, but thanks for thinking of me.

  • No and thank you.

  • I appreciate our relationship and the ask, and I need to decline.

If this is still hard to wrap your mind around, think about why you might be doing or saying yes to things you do not desire. Is it to please others? Make them like you? Is it because you fear being left out of things? Or, you might not be asked again if you keep saying no? Is it to martyr yourself? Be the one who does everything? Is it to get the attention or quality time you desire from someone, but in a less then desirable way? Is it because you do not feel entitled to say no? Worthy to say no? or, that your dreams, desires, and wants are less then another person’s needs and wants? Do you LOVE to let others know just how “busy” you are, aka perceived important.

These are very real reasons why women do not say no to things. We somehow get a need met, just not the right way. Consider some mindset shifts, new beliefs that might help support you to say no.

Mindset shifts that are needed for NO:

  • Obligation leads to resentment

  • Busy is not a badge of honor

  • Busy does not equal importance

  • Things that matter most should never be at the mercy of things which matter least

  • Resentment kills intimacy

  • Connections are created out of self-care, not out of depletion energy

Learning to honor your body, your feelings, your needs are the first step to creating a life you love now.

AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS

Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin.  She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist.  Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information.  Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE

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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity


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Christie Gause-Bemis