Sandwich Years...Midlife Moments
The fridge at my mom’s house is sparse…it holds a dabble of milk, skim, going bad in two days, or is it already. A handful of Iceburg lettuce leaves sits at the bottom of the now empty crisper and a pile of cheeses, american, a sliver of cheddar, two slices left of the co-jack thin sliced in a package are all that remain in the drawer next to it. There is an onion, the layers bulging from dehydration, even they want a fair chance at surviving the neglect their fridge has become. It used to be full, overfilled even, with the best kind of leftovers, chili and lasagna, and fresh fruits and veggies.
I just left my other fridge, two hours south. Overfilled with buffalo wild wings boxes, chinese take out, a full gallon of whole milk, eggs, a drawer filled with every cheese you would want, and veggies, moldy ones at the bottom, forgotten, just bought ones at the top.
The fridge at my parent’s home is barren. The fridge at my home stores my desired outcomes for dinner when I have the time and my young adult daughter’s fixation with grub hub delivery. I call these years the sandwich years. Caring for our aging parents, worrying over their safety, their minds, their ability to manage day-to-day self-care. I am caught in the middle between them and still raising and tending my own family.
Like a sandwich, I feel scrunched in between two opposing time zones, two generations from one another.
In one evening, I am navigating the 10th conversation (maybe more) that I have had with my mom to not give the car keys back to my dementia laden step-father, and navigating my broken hearted daughter looking to vent off her challenges and frustrations of friends, dating and money struggles.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not complaining.
The other day, I drove the two hours north to my parents and felt the rising frustration of packing my car, making sure I had all the materials to work successfully from their home kitchen table or office. And, I felt that tension as I pulled in the driveway mounting, and then suddenly melting, like frosty the snowman entering the greenhouse. Out of all of my female friends, there are not many of us left with this “problem” of having aging parents and young adults who still want to live with you (want to might be a strong phrase, more like have to financially).
On the left there stands the very ones, the ones who gave me life. The one that I gave birth to , is standing on my right. That’s me there in the middle, two arms stretched out wide, holding on for dear life, being pulled from side to side. ~Karen Taylor Good, Me There in the Middle
Karen sings, “give me strength to hold them and the strength to let them go”. It was a song I heard for the first time and the words above were scorched into my memory bank. I recall them now as I pull into their driveway, and remind myself:
How lucky I am.
And, yet, it is still hard. And, I know harder stuff is yet to come. From packing my parent’s home in the next few months to secure safer and more easeful housing, to potentially packing my daughter on her next move out, the bittersweet of seeing her fly and being in an empty home.
There are so many of us out there, facing these challenges, this heaviness of what life has to offer. It can suck the life force out of you if you left it. This is also one of the many scenarios I hear in my private practice as well, navigating between the generation before you and the generation to follow.
I see women leave their desires for “Someday” (shameless plug: listen to my podcast about the Myths of Someday), and put aside what is really wanted to future self, the version of ourselves in the future free of burdens, obligations and to-do lists.
Guess what? Future self does not really exist. What you do in this present moment, directly influences your future self. But, waiting for the smoke to clear to truly live and be who you are meant to be, is an illusion. There will always be burdens and obligations and things on our to-do list. That never goes away. If you prioritize self-care, the very things you are currently doing, feel less like burdens and more like lucky little obstacles to navigate. Obligations are measured against a cost benefit analysis and you will find yourself saying “no” a lot more. And, you will begin to put pleasure and play at the top of your to-do list, not some reward to doing it all.
So, I sit in my office and see women my age, look way older. I hear their stories, they are often my stories. I hear them list off the same burdens and obligations I was just navigating, sometimes even just 5 minutes before they came down the hall to my office and sat on my couch. They come in depresses, anxious, frustrated and even rage filled. The only difference between the two of us, is I have made a different decision while following the same path through life. The decision is to be intentional, the have a mindset towards gratitude (most of the time, not all the time) and to allow myself pleasure regardless of the burdens, obligations and to-do lists.
I know saying yes to an afternoon of pleasure with my love, will make me feel more joy, brighten my outlook and create way more creativity and efficiency.
I know that the future self is an illusion.
I know that each day can be a gift if we let it be.
Yes, I still have stress. We all do. It is not the absence of stress I am looking for, it is the joy and bliss one can have in the face of immense pain and stress. Some mindset shifts that might help you say yes to yourself, to pleasure, more often:
Burdens and Obligations are Not a Badge of Honor. I watch women all the time as if they are at a poker game, betting against one another, “I see your nursing home tour and navigating colleges and I raise you one Power of Attorney for my dad and two dozen backed goods by tomorrow for a band fundraiser.” We one up one another about who has it worse. Which hand is the ultimate loser? both. As soon as we begin seeing that Burdens and obligations are a natural part of life, we choose if we let them get us down, we will begin to lighten our load.
Obligations Scream Boundaries to Me. yes, that is right. If you feel “obligated” to do something, can you say no? If it is not a hell yes, can it be a hell no? What part of the obligation comes from a faulty belief system: “a good daughter would____”, “a good mom can ____”. We all have our limits. And, anything done out of obligation needs a bigger conversation, maybe even with our loved one. “I would love to come up and help, but simply can not get away this week, perhaps we need to find some care that is more consistent or services to support you.”
What Matters Most Should Never be At the Mercy of What Matters Least. You are your top priority. Your self-care and sanity is directly correlated with how well you put yourself first.
Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. Another favorite of mine. The human experience will always have some pain. Some loss, Some stress. But suffering, enduring, etc are self-inflicted states. You are making a choice to move the pain into suffering or the choice into enduring. And, the longer you stay in that space, the harder it is to get out. Can you find the lesson in the pain? Can you voice your REAL desires and not just endure?
Healing a Childhood Wound by Being a Martyr, or a Victim, or a Pleaser, is not Actual Healing, but it is Repeated Patterns. We move to these old roles under stress. We regress. Notice what patterns this current situation is creating and break out of them. Martyrs can practice better self-care and let go in order to force others to do their part in life. Victims can become empowered women who desire to take charge of their lives. And, pleasers can feel important even in the face of disappointing others, or taking care of themselves which ultimately might mean stepping away from caring completely for others. Just because they feel like comfortable roles: martyr, victim, pleaser, doesn’t mean they’re right. It just means they are familiar. Familiar does not = healthy.
And, Lastly, Resentment Leads to a Disconnect or Lack of Intimacy. It is the number one killer of relationships. So, say what needs to be said. Ask for help. Set your boundaries and bottom lines and put some pleasure and care back into your life.
Sandwich years need a healthy amount of self-care. They are the years of immense change and transformation. And, they are temporary.
Human beings are a work in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished” ~Dan Gilbert
Saying yes to desires, wants, indulgences are key to your care and mental health and wellness now.
AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE
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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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