Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner
Has your sex life been put in the corner?
Either by you or by your partner or by your circumstances…
I remember that feeling, when sex was reserved for 9pm or later at night. And, nothing before 9pm felt sexy at all, including my after work sweats or flannel pajamas with the puppy pattern. Every aspect of my life during those years felt heavy, stressful and like I was just there to take care of the needs of others. By the time the sexy time came around, I was so disconnected from my body and just needed some rest.
Two of the biggest reasons people come to me for marital or relationship work: communication problems and sex…and they often go hand and hand.
What box or corner have you packed sex away in?
Below are just a few of the reasons we pack away our sexiness, our desire and we call it low libido, when in reality it can be a myriad of reasons.
Life is hard.
The not so sexy things in life, like with many couples I work with, paying the bills, getting the car fixed, winterizing the house, making dinner, fighting over who was going to make dinner, full days at work, exhaustion of parenting, stress of life, burn out and overwhelm. Negotiating aging parents, going through loss in life, death and dying…all not super sexy topics. Stress is the most leading cause of putting sex to the bottom of the never ending to do list.
My Work Hat is Incongruent with my Sex.
And, if you go to work in any field, cubicles, offices, schools, law enforcement, military…you name it, not many of our work environments are screaming sexual energy. And, in fact, discouraging anything that even remotely seems sexy. I had a social work friend of mine say that she was afraid of dating because she might run into clients or her work might find out and she works with kids. Our society has placed a lot of stereotypes around the work you do and whether that vibes with being a sexual being or not.
Relationship Stress.
In the beginning of your relationship, sex was probably so easy. it was spontaneous. Our relationship felt sexy without too much effort. There was flirting and innuendos that were met with acceptance and excitement by our partner. “You want to come over” was met with an immediate ember, burning and yearning. Initial attraction energy may have been much more easeful. In the honeymoon phase of the relationship sex permeates the whole thing.
As the relationship goes on with time, we bring our our secret puppy pajamas, because they are the most comfortable. And, we expose one another to the reality of who we are: the smells, the uncombed hair, the stained shirt we have worn 3 days in a row. Relationship stress in the form of communication skills and unmet needs, lack of appreciation all contribute to the lack of feeling sexy at all.
Sexual Problems.
The lack of orgasm, pain, or even past trauma can all impact what we bring out and what we pack away. Seek the help and support that you need from a professional who can educate, heal traumas and support you to have a healthy connection with your body and with sex.
Societal Messages around Sex.
The messages that contribute to compartmentalizing sex:
sex is bad
sex is dirty
sex is dangerous
sex is pure
sex is reserved for one person, so save yourself
sex is for men, women just endure
sex is shameful
sex can lead to nothing good: pregnancy, stds, a bad reputation
Sex contaminates you, breaks your innocence
Sex is slutty, you’re a whore, you’re easy, a skank
Sex is wrong morally
Sex is for procreation.
Men and women are socialized with these harmful messages that further disconnect us from our bodies, our desires and our libidos. When sex is seen in these negative ways, our desire is seen as something naughty or immoral. I worked with a woman who could not flirt because it felt to her that she was unintelligent or anti-feminist when she acted that way. It is through these societal messages that sexy is equated with a lack of intelligence. And, sexy is seen as an objectification of you as a woman. However, flirting can be fun and smart at the same time. Flirting can be in your feminine power as well.
So, How do you bring Sex back into your everyday life? And, why?
When we de-compartmentalize sex and bring it back to our essence, we feel more alive and less numbed out in life. Sex and libido and desire plugs us back into our WHOLE being, not just the compartments that make up who we are, each on their own. When we bring sexy out of the corner, we increase our feel good chemicals in life, we feel the interconnection between our bodies and our minds, we feel the intra-connections with others and their energy. This alive feeling is like a feel good drug you carry with you all the time. It leads to less crankiness, bothering with the small stuff in life, loneliness and isolation and worry. Your sexy is your cure.
Below is a list to consider to bring sexy out of the corner and into your life in subtle and not so subtle ways:
Talk about sex with your friends and your partner
Spend time in self-touch
Fantasize, watch movies, read books with the erotic in them
Wear red lipstick for no reason
Dress in something sexy
Flirt with strangers, make eye contact and smile
Wear sexy jewelry, put new sheets on the bed, find some sexy pajamas
Eat sexy, sexy food and slow down
Dance and move your body more
Watch something on sex education or read a book that informs and educates you on your body and on sex
Take a vacation, or an overnight, get out of your everyday environment and explore something new
Visit a sex toy store and find something new to try
Take a class on sex, learn something new
Change your mindset around sex and create new words like…sex is fun, necessary, joyful, connecting, playful, pleasure
Create a sexy playlist and listen to it
Unpacking your own version of sexy can be the key to unlocking the box and bringing sexy back out. Sex is an essential ingredient to a healthy and happy relationship. When we acknowledge that and prioritize that kind of connection in our partnership, we show up for ourselves and our partners as full human beings. And, that is super sexy.
AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE
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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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