The Power of Your Words

You have a friend with you every day. It lives inside your head. That friend is either for you or against you, and guess what? You control which one.

The power of your words and how you talk to yourself is one of the biggest battles I see women face every day. It starts from the moment you get up in the morning and does not end when you go to sleep, it is there in your dreams as well.

In my book, Ignite Your Life (2016) a full chapter was dedicated to the power of words. When I work with women in coaching and in psychotherapy, it is one of first obstacles we work to bust through. This past week I was working with a woman in her second appointment with me and she was asking “how do I change that?”. That, being her inner critic, the voice that degrades her and puts her down. Well, one, it takes time. This is a woman in her 60s and it took 60 years to get to this point, it does not take 60 years to get out of it, but it does take more than a week and two appointments.

The Problem Exposed

The first stage of any change we make is awareness. Knowing there is a problem. When I was a teenager, I remember this cold winter day and I was looking for where I placed my keys. I ran around the house for 10-15 minutes, I ran outside twice looking in the car itself, looking in the yard through piles of snow. And all along was that ‘friend’ in my head telling me how incompetent I was, how stupid, how irresponsible, and what a fuck up I was to once again lose my keys. How helpful was that? The more I looked for my keys, the more upset I became. The more upset I became, the worse my ‘friend’ in my head became. Can you relate to a time you made a mistake or lost something?

Maybe for you it was not lost keys, but a test you didn’t do well on, or project at work that was getting the best of you, or a relationship that was in conflict, or a time where you really needed a friend the most. Only what you found was an enemy, pitting the voice against you.

The voice sounds like a cruel bully: Your such a loser, how dare you, who do you think you are…

It devalues you, dims you and diminishes you.

I was once supporting a woman who was doing some work around her body image and loving her body. She felt awful, fat and ugly, who could possibly want her. When I asked her what thoughts she may have been having that was driving her to feel that way, she repeated what that inner voice was saying to her. I asked her if she would go up to that woman over there, pointing to another woman on retreat, and repeat to her what she just said to herself. She looked at me alarmed and said, “absolutely not, I would never tell those things to that woman, it would be mean and untrue.”

Then why would you say those things to yourself?

Women can be their own worse enemy.

Through awareness comes change.

The Solution is Becoming Your Own Best Friend

How can we change that voice in our head to be loving in tone and words, to be compassionate when we are at our worse and to be thoughtful and encouraging when we need a cheerleader on our side?

Dr. Kristin Neff has some spectacular work on self-compassion and I often refer to her work when I work with women. Her website is rich with material and resources to begin the process of changing that inner voice in your head. I love when someone has this kind of knowledge and shares with us so generously.

Record your thoughts in a journal next time you catch yourself being a bully to you. How long have you had those thoughts? Where do they come from? Our thoughts are automatic, like motor memory, unobserved they just do their thing. They jam out and just riff off of one another. But, when we take the time and dedicate ourselves to be more mindful of them, we can observe and get curious. Thoughts are assumptions based on very little evidence or facts to support them.

I am such a loser!

Really, what about that time you killed it the conference when you spoke, what about the project that you completed that helped hundreds of schools in the state, what about those clients who you supported to make change.

Developing Your Inner Cheerleader

What would you say to a friend in a similar situation?

It’s going to be okay, you are really doing the best you can, I am here for you.

Your inner cheerleader needs to be developed on your best day, so she can handle the task on your worst day. ~Christie Bemis

The next time you are feeling at your best and most accomplished is the time to develop your best friend to self. Not on your worst day. It is when you have the energy to tap into your own inner wisdom. I often have women write down that inner cheerleader voice on 5 note cards that you can pull out when the worse hits. And, write a love letter to yourself, read when most needed.

Did you ever learn how to play an instrument? Sing a song? Drive a car?

That is motor memory. At first you have to talk your way through each step, then you practice and practice, until it just happens automatically without even thinking about it. That is how it is with self-talk as well. Awareness leads to developing a better voice which then needs to be practiced each day. In my 6 week course for women, Ignite Your Life, week 5 we work on daily rituals that incorporate this positive self-talk. You really can accomplish quite a bit of rewiring in 6 weeks. Something that will change the direction of your life, your career, your relationships and more.

In my webinar, The Top 3 Obstacles that Women Face, we take a close look at the Assumptions we have in life. That is what the inner critic is based on. Assumptions that have not yet been challenged. And when we rewrite the script of that voice, we are rewriting our performance, our life.

Here are some affirmation builders to get a start:

My friends respect me because:

People often compliment me about:

I am most happy when:

One of the many positive traits I have is:

I feel good about:

I felt really good about myself when, doing the best I could, I:

And, my all time favorite list of Personal Growth Intentions:

I would like to have ________

I would like to be treated as _________

I believe I deserve ________

I will make changes in my life to _________

I will make choices to encourage myself to __________

I will learn to change _________ about myself, so I will feel _______

I will take care of myself by __________ (Read the four part blog on radical self-love for ideas here)

I will give myself _________

I will expect and will ask for __________ in my relationships

I will honor myself by ________

All of these personal intentions are ways that we aim our life in the direction of our dreams and our passions. When we set them, put them in a place where we interact with them everyday, and work on them, we create the changes that we most need in life.

I have lost my keys now on numerous occasions. I don’t like losing them at all, not a good feeling. But, when I lose them, I don’t lose my mind, my dignity, my self-worth. I just lose my keys. How can you be your own best friend today? How can you use the power of your words for good today?

Hop on a 30 minute phone consultation and get the support you need and deserve.

Christie Bemis, Inner Cheerleader Creator

You deserve a deeper dive in life. Join me for 6 months and really Ignite Your Life with Mastery

Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin.  She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist.  Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information.  Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com

She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her 6 week course, Ignite Your Life: a self-guided program, to reignite your self-love. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity