Good Luck to You, Midlife Woman
We are taught that Midlife is the great pause…menopause.
We are taught to anticipate with dread hot flashes, low libido, and lack of sexual satisfaction as women.
For me, when the dreaded day came a decade and a half earlier then what is “normal” at the age of 35, after birthing and breast feeding my daughter, I faced the change with very little support. Most of my friends were sending their partners to the store still for tampons and pads, while I was just simply making peace with no more babies for me.
And now, in midlife, as my friends are going through intermittent dry spells of no periods, unsure if this is “the change” while a surprise period is just around the corner for them, I have made peace with no more periods for me.
Period free has actually been a time of liberation for me. I have not had to worry about which pill, IUD or arm implant I needed as some archaic form of medical control over our cycles and our hormones, the options are often painful and left to women to pursue. I have had to watch my calcium intake and other protective measures that estrogen and cycles were supposed to give me over the past 15 years. But, other then that, I have made peace with late night wakings, they are my creative hour, and hot flashes are sweaty messes where I fling off the sheets and take in the cool air. I have had sexual encounters where I do not need to obsess over getting my period as proof to myself that I am not producing a child a child in midlife.
And, then along comes a movie, Good Luck to You, Leo Grande with Emma Thompson and Daryl McCormack released on Hulu last week.
An aging woman, “Nancy Stokes”, pursues her list of sexual wants and desires in widowhood with a sex worker named Leo Grande. The list includes giving and receiving oral sex, 69, and more in the pursuit of having her first orgasm. The story hits home for so many women. Women who have lived decades chasing the big O. And, her description of her sex life with her husband of many decades, is also a familiar story retold by women and men as well. First there is a little of this (kissing, caressing), then, a little of that (touching the breasts) and then it is penetration time. 7 to 15 minutes later it is done. The male partner has ejaculated, the woman is left wondering what is in it for her. This blog is not a male bashing blog…there are few resources in pleasuring a woman How To’s for heterosexual relationships and few communities or spaces for us to safely and with support and accurate information to have these conversations. It seems it is nothing or porn with little in between. When we go to porn, at least traditional porn, the banging and grabbing is all the information we have. There is no erotic intelligence to really support the playfulness, the exploration, the sensation and depth we can have sexually over the course of our lifespan.
The movie gives us a new look at hiring a sex worker, a pro, someone who is trained in surrogacy work, or sexological bodywork, or sex education, to help us explore ourselves and our desires. To learn what we like and what we don’t like, to find our voice and our choice, and to take what we learn and bring it back to partnership play. As Joan Price puts it in her recent blog:
“She wants transactional sex with a man who prioritizes her pleasure, who will serve her without his own agenda, and whose youthful appearance will turn her on.”
Is the stigma of sex and sexuality for women going away? Are we able to talk about it now?
It’s interesting to me with the release of this movie, of Netflix’s Sex, Love and Goop with Gwyneth Paltrow, with the release of another Netflix series The Principles of Pleasure all coming out in 2022, have we let the cat out of the bag (so many puns intended here). It caused me to rewatch the series, Sex and the City, for what was relevant then and what is relevant today. What I see as new today is talking about sex across the lifespan. That Menopause is not a pause, but a new awakening. It is a time of relearning our bodies, what worked 20 years ago has shifted and changed. What we were willing to put up with: fakery, performance and lack, no longer works for the middle age woman. She is finding her voice and choice in the bedroom. And, “Nancy Stokes” an awkward, disembodied, older woman, more comfortable with talking with her sex worker about his life, then getting on with her list, shows us the relational side that is so typical to woman. When you stick with the movie…you will see Emma Thompson’s character slowly untethering herself to her traditional belief system and emerging as an older sexually empowered woman.
And, it is about time we all become a bit more untethered.
AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE
She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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