Boundaries: The Gift that Keeps on Giving
You know when they are crossed. You feel the discomfort of it. The pain. The resentment build little by little. Death of the relationship by 1000 cuts sometimes.
Maybe it is something he said.
Maybe it is something she did.
Maybe it is forgetting, lack of follow through.
Maybe it is a tone of voice, an action, a phrase.
Boundaries don’t have to make sense. They just are.
They actually don’t even have to be justified or explained. We can just have them.
Boundaries actually create more trust and deeper connections in a relationship. Then, why are they so damn hard!?
There are three steps to boundary setting: Identification, Voicing, Enforcing.
Identification
How do you even know that you have a boundary? Often times, you know when it is too late, or has been crossed already. When my child slams the door during a fight, or my lover uses that one phrase which sends me over the edge, or the follow through isn’t there on something a colleague said they would do. Boundary crossed. You feel anger, resentment, or frustration. It is a tightening in the chest or the gut.
But, you can do some clear boundary mapping and proactively learn what is a boundary for you. Either alone or with a Somatic Coach, you can try out some boundaries around touch and tone and space and learn what it feels like in your body when someone is getting close to crossing a boundary. Then, you have mapped a particular “thing” you did not know you had.
I also talk with women, especially around friendships, what their handle with care instructions are. You know how clothing comes with a tag and care instructions, we do too. It is a set of requirements (boundaries) that we have developed over time around how we like to be in relationships. An example I have, don’t talk about other women poorly to me, then I wonder what you say about me when we are not together. Another example, let’s be bidirectional, I initiate a time to get together, then you initiate, I don’t like to chase or be the only one who reaches out.
Identifying what feels good is Boundary Mapping.
And, it is a gift you give to your relationships, when I know how you want to be loved best, I can love you better. I trust that you will speak out to me when I am not loving you well, or as you desire. That is so important!
I was recently doing somatic work with a woman and we were mapping touch, and how she wants to be approached. At first, it was extremely hard for me to read her. Every touch or request was met with a smile and a giggle, even if I was feeling like I might be crossing a boundary. When a boundary is crossed, we often have a fight, flight, freeze response or, three you do not hear enough about: dissociate, appease (sometimes called fawning) and collapse (extreme bottoming out, sleeping, withdrawing). In this mapping exercise, what I was running across was the appease response, which made it hard to know, are you liking my touch or just tolerating, afraid to speak up. Enduring something you do not like or want in order to make the other person feel better is poor boundary setting. Once I got to a place where she was a clear NO, it felt relieving to me. A relief to know exactly what she did not want, even if I did want it. It was a gift. A clear no, no explanation needed. “Thank you for letting me know what you want and what you don’t want”. I reflected back to her, as we do in Somatic Coaching, how I felt in mapping her. The clarity of the no versus the appease response which left me confused. If I felt confused, others in her life will too. That is what we do with Somatic Coaching that is different from psychotherapy, you get to experience a felt sense in your body and you get reflected back from the practitioner their felt sense in being in relationship with you.
Voicing
And, that is the thing, the gift comes in the form of knowledge. Letting a person know how you desire and deserve to be cared for is so important. When we identify a boundary, we then need to voice that boundary. Tell friends what makes you feel cared for or what you need. I was recently at a lunch with a small group of women and the question was asked, “what is everyone struggling with now and how would you feel most supported?” We each went around and shared our most current struggle. Mine was feeling alone and a little disconnected and the support I needed was for each of them to take some time this week and just do a quick text check in with me. I am the checker, never the checked. It felt good to receive a couple of out of nowhere text messages from the women, just seeing how my weekend was going, nothing more. By voicing precisely what I needed, I got it.
But, what if you don’t get what you asked for? or, the person repeatedly violates your boundaries despite the ask?
Enforcing
People, even humans you love dearly, will step across your boundaries. More than once. It is part of being human. Unless you are under physical threat or intimidation or violence, think about the boundary crossing this way: why did I allow that to happen for me? or will I continue to allow the crossing?
Even in the healthiest relationships boundaries get crossed, people forget, or they are getting their needs met, which impacts your needs. It happens. We teach people how to treat us by either allowing the crossing or enforcing it.
There are many ways to respond to a boundary crossing: remind, ask again, set a new boundary, leave the relationship or take a pause in the relationship to reflect, cut ties altogether, limit access to you.
Each response will change based on the relationship and the desire on your part to continue with that relationship.
Examples:
When a Sara set a boundary with her adult son around no longer wanting to be yelled at or verbally abused when he was upset, he crossed that boundary numerous times despite the ask. When he was angry, he would call and scream. Sara would pick up, state her boundary again, and again, and again. Until Sara had to express that for now, they needed to limit their time connecting. Sara’s son fell off the radar then, disappeared for two weeks from her life. And, despite the panic feeling, Sara had to allow him his space to recalibrate to this new way of being in relationship with one another, no longer tolerating the name calling or the blaming when he was upset. (Limiting her availability)
Over the years, Melissa would have sex with her husband Tom, even when she was not completely into it. She figured it was easier then an argument again. When she felt her resentment spilling over to other aspects of their relationship, she had a conversation with Tom that she had been enduring touch or initiation and sex during times she was not turned on and that from now on, she was going to be saying no when she was not wanting sex. And, that Tom needed to be okay with that and respect that. It was the first of many conversations and negotiations for the couple around desire, wants and needs in relationship to their intimacy. (set a new boundary in a relationship)
For the fourth and last time, Greg had gone into the couple’s finances and withdrew a sum to cover a speeding ticket for his son from another relationship and Jen had had enough. She had stated her boundary before when he was sued after co-signing for an apartment and paying all the fines for his son. Or, the time she found months worth of small draws and when confronting Greg, he admitted to sending his son more money then what they had agreed to, and the time he loaned his son a few thousand dollars without discussing with her. She made the decision that after repeated attempts to define her financial boundaries in the relationship and he continued to step over them. Leaving the relationship for this boundary crossing and many more like these in other areas of their life together became her only option to find peace and happiness in life. (Leave)
These are just some examples of boundary enforcement. Reminding someone to leaving altogether. We know when we have had enough.
Boundaries can be rigid in one relationship we have and more fluid in others. Listen to this meditation/boundary creation to find out more about what kind of boundaries you currently have and where you may need more work on the boundaries.
When you are in relationship with someone who hears your boundaries, respects and responds to them, it is truly a gift you give to one another. Our nervous systems can relax and we can feel safe that we have one another’s back. Following through and respecting one another’s needs, wants, and desires, leads to trust which leads to deeper connections and intimacy. Sex and intimacy rely on trust and safety to grow.
AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE
She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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