Why Doesn't He Talk to Me?

The truth about getting a person to talk in relationships.

One of the most common things I hear about in individual and couples work is not knowing what your partner is thinking or feeling. Guessing, Assuming. Prying. Snooping. And, creating a stir are all ways I have seen the person wondering, “what are you thinking and feeling?” to get their answers.

What I am coming to know in my work and research around Attachment styles is the difference between internal and external processors. And, most of the partnerships I know have both, one person is more internal and the other is more external.

And, on the opposite side of “what are you thinking and feeling?” is the other partner wishing the external processor would not share so much, or so repetitively. “I got what you were feeling and thinking the first time you said it.”

The difference in how we process experiences and feelings and thoughts, is one of the major components that starts conflict in relationships.

And, as a therapist or coach for women, men and couples, it is not the details of the conflict I am interested in, it is the how are they are engaging with one another and the differences in processing that I am most curious and guiding in my work.

What I have found with most internal processors is:

  • There are a lot of thoughts happening in there, just not being voiced

  • They sometimes take longer to bring forward thoughts, feelings, experiences

  • They turn inward versus outward for answers

  • They are quieter then others, they tend to be listeners in social situations then talkers, and they seek solitude and alone time

  • Call a friend? Maybe, but usually, internal processors turn towards their own practice of journaling or meditation or listening inward for their answers.

  • When emotions run high, they shut down or shut off.

I am very familiar with internal processing, because this is how I generally function. I live by the motto, “if you can not improve the silence, then don’t”. I think about things for awhile.

The downside to being so internal is it can make me seem aloof or cold at times, because I am doing some power thinking. I am going over things, thinking about how I feel, what emotions are coming forward and really getting clear before I move forward. The downside for others in relationship with me is that they do not know what is going on for me right away, they have to wait. And, wires can get crossed in the “do you love me” game. If people in my life are looking for proof of my love, that becomes a problem as I am thinking about love, feeling the love, but maybe not outwardly expressing the love. These things are true for many internal processors. An example is, one time I was traveling out of town, and for my loved one, I had all these plans for him to run across postie notes while I’m gone, things I love about him, and I had letters I was going to be sending to him while gone. So, when I was confronted about my lack of outward expression as I was packing and preparing, I was caught off guard. I had all these ideas that were going to be happening, but he was needing something now, concrete, words.

External processors are people who need to talk and talk and talk about a feeling, an experience, information coming in, thoughts and decisions. They go outward to anyone that will listen. Some common things about external processors are:

  • Clarity comes through talking it out with someone, without the talking, everything feels all jumbley in their mind or body.

  • When stressed or overwhelm or triggered, they blurt and verbally talk it through

  • In relationships, external processors bring problems to light, to the surface and sometimes create waves doing so.

  • in relationships, those they love, know how they feel….the good ones and the bad ones

  • Calling a friend, problem solving with someone, asking for advice and opinions are pretty common

  • When they don’t have someone to talk to, it can feel frustrating, lonely, confusing and unclear

I am in relationship with a lot of external processors. They are my most interesting and challenging relationships and they push me to communicate better, more, and speak my truth.

Neither way of processing is bad or wrong, better or best, just different. What is important to know, is what you are and what those around you might be. Share your style and what works for being in relationship with you.

Tips for Internal processors:

  • Let people know that you are thinking about it, need a minute, an hour or a day to process

  • Create daily rituals of processing: meditation, journaling, writing an unsent letter

  • Let people know how you feel, as you are getting clearer inside, they need to know and hear it on the outside. I think to episodes of the Bachelor and Bachelorette, a series on ABC, where one suitor is dating 30 women or men and whittling things down to the one! The women and men that go further on the show tend to disclose, take risks, open up vulnerably. The person dating them, knows how they are feeling so that he or she can take greater risks themselves. Opening up yourself= others opening up to you.

Impression without expression leads to depression, make sure you are processing, not just closing down.

External processors tips are:

  • Have a few trusted friends to share with on a regular basis, that have earned your trust

  • Let people know you need to “vent” versus you need advice. It is hard to know and you may get advice when all you need is a listener

  • Know that if you are in relationship with an internal processor, your external processing may be causing distress, just like them not saying anything or enough, causes anxiety. Not being more discerning on the amount of processing and the way in which your words are flowing, can unintentionally do damage. I often tell external processors to find someone other than the original trigger person to process the event. Then, go back to the person you need to have repair with, and invite into a conversation

In all communication, the keys to good conversations have these in common: curiosity, invitations not demands, empathy, validation and deep listening through turn taking, reflecting and mirroring. I cover this in a webinar on Deepening Connections.

Authentically yours, Christie Bemis

Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin.  She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist.  Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information.  Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com

She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity


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Christie Gause-Bemis