The Pain of Having a Shitty Relationship
With Yourself
Women often come to me in therapy or in coaching, lamenting about their shitty relationship. The focus is on the other person:
What he didn’t do
What she could’ve done differently
What he forgot
What she keeps doing over and over that needs to stop
What’s bad and psychoanalyzing his or her origins about why he or she is so fucking bad
What is wanted or desired that he just doesn’t get
And, how she is just so bad at “supporting me, loving me, appreciating me”
What gets lost in all this chatter is
“How is your relationship with yourself?”
You know, the one you actually have full and complete control over. That relationship that is going to be the one constant across your entire life. And, the relationship that actually serves as support for any other single relationship you are going to have in life.
How are you doing at:
Appreciating you
Loving you
Supporting you
Noticing you
Making time for you
Remembering you and special dates
Psychoanalyzing yourself and doing the work to heal and to grow
Getting to know you with curiosity and compassion
Treating you
Talking with yourself as if you are your own best friend
It is tough having a shitty relationship with yourself. You end up beating yourself up all the time, saying things you would never dream of saying to anyone else and putting yourself last.
When you have a shitty relationship with yourself, you take the crumbs and whatever might be left over after everyone else gets their piece, often the best piece. You ignore your own dreams and support those dreams of others first. And, the resentment builds, the hate seeps in.
How do you repair a shitty relationship?
You know how to do it for or with others. But how do you do it for yourself?
Can you get quiet?
If you have not followed Tiffany Jenkins-Juggling the Jenkins…it is so worth the watch. Her video on checking into a hotel and being with herself, for the first time in a long time is inspiring to listen to. We all do it. We get caught up in the noise around us and in the compare ourselves to others, losing our identity.
When we get quiet, we are not our roles, our social media likes, our invites by others, or any other autopilot activities we do to numb the reality.
Know Your Needs
Women have a hard time knowing what they want and need. Here is a list to get you started. I love this list because it gets you thinking about the various areas of needs and wants in life. The list helps you notice areas like connections, appreciation, having a purpose.
Don’t Settle
I watch women lower their expectations because others are not meeting them. The idea that if you stop wanting or needing then you won’t be disappointed by others. If you want the flowers, ask for them, and expect to get them…if you don’t, that is a total reflection on the other person in your life. Get curious about the relationship and their inability to deliver the goods.
Boundary Work
What are your boundaries? Knowing them is important. Then, communicate them. Then, enforce them. Hopefully, the people in your life respect and adhere to your personal boundaries, but if they do not, and sometimes even the healthiest person does not, then enforce them. That part is up to you.
What are My Personal Agreements with Myself?
Time alone, commitment to your dreams, intention setting. Sometimes we have made agreements with ourselves that we are unworthy or we can’t do or having something. Take notice of what you have agreed to, it can be changed to something much healthier and aligned with your vision for your life.
Healing Old Wounds
Do the work. It is scary. It can be hard. But, it is worth it. You’re worth it. When your reactions and triggers are intense, it is usually about the past. Time to unpack and see what needs healing.
Get the Support
You don’t have to do the work on your own. Get the support of a professional. Friends are great. They are in your court. Have your back. Professionals do also from an objective and new perspective.
Let’s do this self-love thing together,
Hop on a 30 minute phone consultation and get the support you need and deserve.
Christie Bemis, Lover, Best Friend, Mentor -to myself
You deserve a deeper dive in life. Join me for 6 months and really Ignite Your Life with Mastery
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com
She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her 6 week course, Ignite Your Life: a self-guided program, to reignite your self-love. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity