How to Become More Masterful at Receiving

Women are great at giving and lousy at being the receiver.

We are wired to caretake and socialized as women to do so as well.

And, in relationships, giving and receiving are under constant scrutiny. Some women I know, keep track of giving and receiving tallies. Equalizing it, trying to balance it all out on an elaborate spreadsheet in the mind. “Last week I made dinner twice, I let him have a great time in bed once, now it is my turn to take.” Receiving takes on a transactional quality. Which destroys the very essence of what receiving can be.

Or, giving is just easier or more acceptable, so the direction of energy flow is always going outward, leading to her energy cup being empty. This leads to burn out, resentment, martyring and overwhelm.

Ann and I wrote about the Art of Receiving in our book, Ignite Your Life: Live Life with Passion, Pleasure and Play (2016) And, since that time, I have learned so much more in terms of receiving in pleasure. A great resource is the Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin. She is generous in her videos and material available on her website. The 3 minute game is an invaluable tool and resource for learning how to be a masterful receiver.

The direction of giving to receiving is one way. The giver is pouring touch, love, energy and effort into the receiver. The receiver is active, guiding, directing and asking for touch that would be and feel pleasurable. It is a gift and it is active, not passive. I don’t know what my partner wants or likes as I am giving touch, energy and attention, if my partner doesn’t guide me in some way. This can be asking for what he wants and desires, thanking me, telling me what he wants more of, or different. As the giver, this encourages me to keep giving. I feel reassured, approved of, appreciated.

When I am giving my partner touch and his face is expressionless, his body is motionless, he is silent, I have no idea if what I am doing is pleasurable.

The moral of the share here is…be an active receiver. Here are some great ways to get what you want and desire:

  • Thank you. Tell your partner thank you more, or I really like that. This helps support you getting more of that.

  • Make some noise. Moaning, saying yes and more, shouting, growling, purring…all are good indicators you are getting the touch you want. It actually dumps dopamine in your partners synaptic clefts when you make some noise. In other words, it lights up your partner’s reward system in their brains. It is then pleasurable too for the giver and they keep following the noise crumbs you are laying down for them.

  • Move your body. Laying stick straight, flat on your back will get you more of the same. If you want to delight in your body, move your body, change positions, undulate and let your lovers hands follow the flow of your body. Move your body towards the touch you want more of.

  • Words of affirmation and specifying what you want. Guiding your partner for harder, faster, softer, to the left, to the right touch, takes the guess work out of what is and is not working for you. Your partner would much rather hear what is working and what would work better then what is not working and then have to guess what might.

What stops and confuses givers more than anything is: harshness, silence, correcting, complaining and not moving at all.

We can definitely get in our own way to receiving pleasure and set up barriers and blocks to receiving. Read my blog on Pleasure Avoiders.

Being a good receiver requires you to practice, to surrender a bit of control of the situation, to let go. This can take a fair amount of safety and trust in our partners that they have us. It also takes the idea and mindset that we are indeed worthy of receiving. That we do not have to earn it. That it is not some reward for good behavior, but that we are innately worthy of it. Do the work on self to feel that way. For more activities to learn and practice receiving, Listen to my Podcast on Mastering Receiving for Women

AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS

Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin.  She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist.  Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information.  Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE

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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity


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Christie Gause-Bemis