More Like Roommates...
It happens all too often in the evolution of relationships.
From once passionate lovers and incredible feelings of oneness, to the silence and disconnect of two really great roommates who share a common space.
It happens in marriages and long-term committed, live in relationships all the time. The gradual erosion of the passion that brought you together in the first place.
Claudia and Chris were the best of friends in the beginning. Wildly passionate, the best sex ever, and inseparable compatibility. Their first few years together were a whirlwind of heady romance and feelings of having found THE ONE. They moved in, bought a house, had a dog, then a child and now 16 years later, live in separate rooms of the house and live amiable, but fairly separate lives. There was a few years of conflict and fighting, nothing getting resolved. A year of broken trust and trying to come back from Chris’ emotional affair with a coworker. Neither one wanting to part ways completely, but none-the-less, at a stalemate in their relationship, with two years left in raising their child together.
The highest divorce rates: years 1-5 and years 16-20. Why? Those that did, got out fast when problems began emerging, pre-children even. And, those that did not…are most often sticking it out for the kids, the retirement, the mortgage and finances, and maybe even the hope that one day, things may get better.
More and more, marriages or long-term relationships are turning into roommate scenarios. Staying in the same bed and room together or moving to separate spaces in the home and continuing to be together, but not together. Or, moving into completely separate lives, towns or even states apart.
How does the evolution of roommates begin?
How does what feels like perfect love, turn into something amiable at best, vindictive at worst. Let’s look at the science and biology around getting together.
First, there is the initial attraction, the feel good chemicals are released and all a buzz. Sexual energy and attraction are heaped in the relationship. This lasts 3, 6 months…a year at best. And, it is ultimately the drive that brings us together. Those couple that last beyond this phase, move into a more “love” versus “lust” relationship and have more of a serotonin based connection with one another, evolving from the intoxication of the dopamine based hit, a reward system connecting couples in the first early signs of “love” and attraction.
The Established Relationship
We move more into commitment, melding our lives together, sharing the load and creating a container of safety, the couple bubble. This can be a more sustainable relationship over time, and takes a firm commitment from both people to maintain a level of spark and passion in their lives. Without prioritizing this, the following scenario can occur.
Taking One Another for Granted
An underlying assumption moves in, she/he is not going anywhere, so why try so hard. Appreciations are unnoticed or unspoken or expected, so why thank you. Roles are carried out and responsibilities are completed without so much as a high five and the relationship itself is not safeguarded from the daily stressors of life: work, children, roles. The relationship starts moving into dangerous territory where criticism is met with defensiveness and the couple drifts even further off course. Most relationships wait 5 or even 7 years before getting the support or help they need to correct this relationship drift. These relationship skills are not taught as part of our high school or even college curriculum, yet we dive into the seas of relationships without a compass or a map and hope for the best.
Drifting Further from Shore
Couples in this space and time in life can very from comfortably numb to what is happening, to stormy and tumultuous. It varies. Every person I work with has a unique set point of what they will tolerate and for how long. Some people can be perfectly fine and even comfortable with this level of disconnect. it suits them, it might even be familiar to them if they grew up in homes with lots of separateness, autonomy or even neglectful circumstances. Their level of disconnect is okay with them. It suits their attachment style. And, for many couples, getting back on track seems hard, futile or they lack the skill or willingness to even try.
Other couples are in a sea of conflict, hurt feelings, ill-repaired conversations and mountains of hurt and betrayals. Walls of resentment have armored them up against one another and they are just waiting it out. Waiting for saving or a rescue, waiting for other partner to fold, say they are sorry, open the gates to vulnerability once again, and become that safe port in the storm. But, they are in a stand-off for who gives first.
Indecision is The Hardest Time in Relationships
it is generally not the decision to stay or go that is hard. It is the time before then, the ambivalence, the fork in the road. I can go East or West, either direction has implications, complications and takes time and energy. During indecision, which can last for years, many couples drift aimlessly, spending increasing amounts of time alone, getting needs met through other relationships: their kids, their family of origin, their coworkers, their friends or even an affair. It is this indecision time that can feel the most dangerous, the most stormy. Once a decision is made, any decision is better then prolonged indecision, then the couple can move on and take a direction in their life. Their is the cutting off (the latin root of the word decision is “to cut”) of one path, one direction, and one charted course, for the movement forward on another.
How to Safeguard Your Relationship from Roommate Status
Shared activities
It is true. Couples that play together stay together. Not all of your activities need to be shared. You have different interests altogether. But, some shared activities: pickleball, cooking, dance lessons, music, meditation. I even worked with one couple who loved coffee and sought out every possible roasting and coffee shop in town. On their travels, they mapped out which new coffee roasters they wanted to discover. It does not matter what the shared activity is. It is the anticipation of adventure, excitement, new discoveries, and play that matter the most.
Appreciation
When is the last time you said “thank you”. Or heard “thank you”. From household chores, to thoughtfulness, to just being present. Thank you never gets old. It is the number one thing I hear from couples in therapy, “I don’t feel appreciated”. Valued, I matter, you desire me, you see me, you notice me. It does not matter what word you use, appreciating one another is a golden ticket to relationship success. Even when you are mad, in conflict, just fought, you can still feel the feeling of appreciation and appreciated.
Noticing, Attunement and Turning Towards One Another
The incredible relationship researcher and author, Dr. John Gottman, noticed a common theme in his relationship lab space when observing couples. When partners “turned towards one another”, they often had better success in the long run, were able to recover from conflict easier and had what they termed, “happier” relationships with one another. What is turning towards? If I look out the window and notice a cute squirrel, and say, “aw, look at that cute squirrel bouncing across the yard”, you put down your paper, the remote, the crossword puzzle, look up and engage with me, “yes, he is so cute'“. Even if it is the hundredth time I pointed out a squirrel to you, you look. Far too often, couples keep their noses down, their eyes glued to the television, and don’t bother to acknowledge or look up in any meaningful way. You start to feel invisible. You start to feel unacknowledged and disregarded. The simple action of being present to one another, taking a moment, putting your attention on one another, can be a relationship rescue.
Loving Yourself and Having a Self-Care Practice
Sometimes taking the focus off of the relationship and putting it on yourself can be a way to preserve the relationship in the long run. We often know exactly what the other person needs to do for us to make the relationship better, but seldom know our own role. It starts with the foundational piece of valuing yourself and loving yourself. Once you can do that, your self-talk and inner narrative will be coming from a place of reality versus story telling. Truth versus reactivity.
Prioritizing Play and Pleasure
More then just shared activities, play and pleasure need to be daily priorities. You make time for them and space. In our current over scheduled, focus on productivity and doing, versus being, play and pleasure make the bottom of the to do list. Sex, intimacy, connection can be scheduled and fit in your week. The absence of sex is often the barometric measure of the deterioration of the relationship. Sexlessness can be a symptom of an underlying movement towards roommate status.
Listening vs Hearing…Communication skills
When we hear, we can repeat back our partner’s words. When we hear, we can empathize and feel our partners feelings. When we hear, we can defend our position, know exactly what our partner just said. When we listen, we get curious and ask the right questions, check things out and let our partner explain and take their time. These are not skills that come naturally, but take practice and support to find a whole new language with one another. A language free from jumping to conclusions, judging, labeling and assuming you know your partner’s thoughts.
Being Vulnerable, De-Armoring and Diving In to the Deep End
If this relationship is really important, can you be vulnerable and open? And, is your vulnerability, openness and exposed rawness met with an equal participation. Welcome mats can be laid out, again and again. Try and see if there is anything there, is the light on, can the conversation and passion be resparked. However, welcome mats are not doormats where your partner gets to clean their shoes. When a welcome mat is misused it is time to pull the rug in and wait for a person who will really appreciate it. Vulnerability has to be met with shared vulnerability or it is not safe to continue to do so. When I first started to work with couples I had a pollyanna belief that it just takes one person in the relationship to right the ship. I no longer ascribe to that. It does take two. It might take one to start, but the other person has to join at some point, the earlier the better. Otherwise, the unmet vulnerability is an unopened gift. Resentment will once again build and that will be the true destroyer of intimacy.
AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE
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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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