The Gift of the Green Eyed Monster: Jealousy
Jealousy, we all feel it at some point in our lives. Some more than others, or even more intensely then others.
It is that pit in your stomach. The tightening in your chest. The squeeze in your lungs. Tension, pressure building up, a welling of emotion in your body. And, more…a punch in the gut, take your breath away moment, or even rage.
It can be one of the most uncomfortable feelings to have…a sense of hopelessness, the unfairness of the cards you have been dealt and a building of resentment or even shame.
Jealousy is highly linked to “not enoughness”. Not good enough. Not deserving enough. Never having enough.
It is linked to a feeling of competition…as if there is a limited number of resources, men, partners, friends, material stuff, so it becomes every woman for herself. The antithesis of collaboration.
And we become engulfed in a scarcity mindset and a lack of abundance. In its most basic form, jealousy is, “I want what you have”, either a someone or a something:
A lover or a spouse or a partner
A friend’s time and attention
A job
Their money
The life they have or appear to be having
An opportunity that could have been yours
When you get into the depths of comparison, it leads you down the spiral of self-deprecation, unfairness, that acquiring these things or experiences or relationships is somehow all a matter of luck, or hard work, or motivation, or money you do not have.
Jealousy leads to disconnect.
And, shame begins to take over and you have a hard time moving forward on your own dreams, desires, wants, because shame keeps you stuck. Instead of moving you forward.
And, its not as simple as just developing a gratitude practice and being more grateful for what you have.
Jealousy does have a benefit.
Hear me out.
If we can learn how to feel it and identify it, it can actually be an incredible compass to what we want and what we desire most in life.
As a compass, it can guide you to what you want. Lead the way.
When my friend recently purchased a home in a warm location, being from Wisconsin, I felt the pang of jealousy. And, I asked myself what it was that she and her partner were doing that I wanted?
Was it the home itself in Arizona. No.
Was it the 5 months away…maybe. But, more so, it was the getting out of Wisconsin for an extended period of time between the months of December and first signs of Spring. It was a piece of what they had, but maybe not the whole pie.
What part of that could I currently achieve with where my life was currently at? A week? Two? Maybe a month…and this might be good enough for now.
I can’t pick up my life for 5 months now with a mostly brick and mortar business, but I could move to less geographically dependent means to making money. And, maybe next year, more time away, in the sun and warmth would be what I wanted most.
Jealousy can be felt and then dealt with. Pushing it down, ignoring it, or worse, wishing an ill will, loss or lack of success on another, does little to sooth your soul. It creates bitterness and resentment. If you watch the prime video movie, Brad’s Status, with Ben Stiller, it is the perfect portrayal of what long term jealousy can do. He graduates with 3 others from Tuft’s University, and while they all follow the corporate America route and become rich and somewhat famous, Brad follows the idealogical dreamer route of changing the world and running a non-profit. The resentment has built up over the years and further alienates him from his peers. And, his current life, though not lavish, is great. He fails to see the greatness and lives bitter and detached. As he reconnects with his peers, one is using drugs, the other is facing jail time, another is aloof and conceited. Their opulent lives a facade behind which reveals struggle of their own kind.
Here is the thing with jealousy. It often is based on the best serving of pie that we see. It is not that first cut, where the crust has ripped away and a lump of pie crust and innards are mushed on a plate. No, what we see is the perfect wedge, the glistening perfection, the perfectly browned crust of triangle on a plate before us.
The reality of how hard a person worked to get there, what else is concealed about the rest of their life and more is not revealed.
When you feel the green eyed monster of jealousy, ask yourself this:
What is it about that person’s life do I want?
Let’s say they appear to have the perfect partner. What qualities about that person are you coveting, what dynamics do you wish for?
What part of what they have is achievable to you now? or a year from now? What might be the long term plan to get there?
And, another avenue of query, when looking at the other person’s life, are you only getting served the best slice on social media or at gatherings? What else might be happening for that person that you are not getting served? We all have issues, problems and things we hide. Only revealed to our closest people.
And, are you willing to do what it takes? Often times, I look at another woman in entrepreneurship and feel the pang of jealousy, but I know how hard she works or the sacrifices she makes to get there. And, I might not be willing to make that happen. This helps me settle the feeling that I am having. There is a cost to everything. Some we are willing to pay and others we are not.
Let jealousy guide you and become a compass to the parts of life you desire most.
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com
She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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